What I know about why men remain in bad marriages has been gleaned from working with men in small groups for over twenty years. My personal experiences carry some weight as well.
Besides the legal, material aspects of divorce mentioned below, the emotional aspect is so overwhelming for men that it rivals all others. Many men prefer to remain in bad marriages because dealing with the emotional painful is terrifying, and therefore extremely unappealing. Few men have the kind of requisite emotional support a woman enjoys from other women in similar situations. That nearly universal lack of back-up makes divorce for men a solitary act, even though it isn't an activity a man should embark on, solo.
The material, legal aspects of divorce, i.e. property settlements, child custody, alimony, child support, assumption of debts, lawyer fees, court fees, court bias against men, and more, are painful enough. In fact, the list of pain-filled material considerations is so daunting that many men simply remain married to avoid the myriad of problems they know will arise.
When my men's group began meeting twenty years ago, there were eight members. In the first year and a half, four men divorced their wives. It wasn't coincidental that so many decided to divorce after joining the group, but no one encouraged these men to end their marriages. What made divorce acceptable to them was the support they received from the other men, most of whom had also experienced the pain of divorce.
Even with unlimited support, the four men suffered terribly, in part because the rest of us refused to allow them to remain silent or stoic about their feelings. Those who had gone through the aftermath of divorce knew that letting these suffering men off the hook, in terms of encouraging them to deal with their pain, wasn't in their best interests. We all had dealt with the anger, pain of suddenly being alone, and separation from our children, and understood that experiencing that pain was a major part of letting it go.
I think it's fair to say that many men remain in bad marriages because the specter of divorce is simply too painful to contemplate, let alone make that first call to a divorce lawyer. Knowing ahead of time that the pain is going to be extreme does not make it appealing, no matter how bad the marriage.
There is an emotional downside for men who remain in a bad marriage that far outweighs the pain of divorce. A man who wakes up each morning and looks over at a woman he despises isn't ever going to have a good day. He is going to spend his day wondering why he continues on such a painful path. His kids suffer because his emotional state is so tense and raw, that he can't relate to them very well.
Why do men remain in bad marriages? The most likely reason is that getting out of one is just too painful and debilitating, so inertia feels better than the alternative. It's not before the marriage becomes so painful, or, a man's friends encourage him by offering their support, that men are willing to make the leap that will make their lives, in the short-term, unbearable.
I wouldn't begin to suggest men and women think twice before marrying or that they do some couples counseling before legally settling on each other. That's too obvious, and if it was acceptable, more folks would do it. What would help men avoid the pitfalls of divorce is to work on their emotional well-being prior to taking on the responsibilities of marriage. The more a man talks about his issues with other men, the more he understands his shortcomings and is able to work on them before he marries. The better a man's mental health is, the better his chances are for a successful marriage.
Divorce is ugly, public, and devastating to men, women, and children. That should be sufficient to wake men up to the realities of marriage and the pitfalls of divorce. Men can't think their way through the emotional issues that will cause them pain in a divorce. They will have to feel their way through them. Talking his issue out with other men is a good start.
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