Understanding Infidelity

Infidelity, a simple enough word, but does hide a very complicated problem. Oscar Wilde is so right; when it comes to the results of infidelity, it is the faithful who suffer. What he said was: "those who are faithless know the pleasures of love; it is the faithful who know love's tragedies." What a clever way of describing that which so many people experience.

It is not easy to find accurate numbers about cheating and affairs, but here are a few known facts. Approximately 30 to 60% of all spouses (in the US) will be unfaithful at some time during their marriage. These figures go some way to explain the often-used statistic, that nearly half of all marriages break down and end in divorce.

Men, under 30 years of age are said to be more likely to cheat than women. Office love affairs are becoming more and more common, as bread-winners (male or female) are likely to spend more time with colleagues than with their spouse.

It is said that people save their biggest and most serious lies for those they love, but actually they often spend a lot of time deceiving themselves.

This is borne out by the fact that most people admit that they were surprised by the fact that they had started an affair.

We are more easily fooled by someone we love, and the lies they tell hurt much more than the lies of a stranger.

We do not like to acknowledge this, but it is true and it is this truth which lies behind the difficulty of avoiding becoming part of the divorce statistics.

The faithful partner has to live with the lies she has been told and if she wants to save her marriage, she must come to terms with them and the reasons for the infidelity.

Why did he cheat? This is the question that is running around in the mind of the spouse. Was it something I did? Was there something missing, should I have treated him better, or have appreciated him more than I did.

This refrain becomes part of the internal torture.

Well, the first excuse is usually that they were not happy in their relationship, so they felt the need to look for love and affection elsewhere.

The second excuse is more animal in nature: people were not meant to be faithful to one person for life, so cheating is part of our human nature.

Both partners must accept that these really are nothing but excuses and so must look deeper into their marriage, for the real reasons behind the problems.

They rarely come from one side only; somehow along the way, the communication has stopped and the love has started to fade and could even die.

One important point to remember is that many marriages will recover from infidelity and couples can develop a stronger relationship, with more intimacy and closeness.

But it is important to solve the underlying problems, otherwise cheating is likely to happen again.

It could even follow spouses into their next relationship, so it is well worth taking time and seeking advice to get to the bottom of the problems.

There is a lot of evidence to show that with the right attitude and some discipline and effort, a damaged marriage can be put back together.

I think many of us know people who have proved this to be true, so things need not be hopeless, until you both decide it is time to quit.

Finding the help and guidance you need can be much easier than it used to be, so please set out to discover what you need to learn, to move forward to a strong and loving relationship.