Do you suspect your boyfriend or husband of having had an affair? Perhaps you already know of the infidelity, and you wish to rebuild your relationship. However, communicating after an affair is not easy for most people, and many question whether it is necessary to talk about the affair at all.
The only reason you would need to discuss the details of an affair would be if the injured person feels they cannot move toward healing without talking about it. You may have many questions in your head that need answering, but it is important to avoid certain kinds of questions. For instance, it is best to avoid asking for comparisons between yourself and the one your partner had an affair with (the paramour).
"Is she a better lover than I am?"
Rather, stick to questions that don't offer up any kind of comparison, but are important to know nevertheless.
"Would you leave me for them if they wanted you to?"
"Can you show me you will be honest and loyal to me by exposing who your lover is, and your time and activities with them?"
If you feel you cannot move forward in your relationship without getting answers to your questions, then it is right to initiate a discussion. However, I would suggest that you search your feelings before you ask too many questions. You might hear something you didn't want to hear - and once you've heard something, you'll never be able to forget it.
The truth is, you don't need to go through every single detail of the affair to work through the pain of it. What you do need is enough information to know that your spouse is being honest and transparent with you, and not to the paramour. You should ask about the extent of their relationship, so you understand it and can come to terms with it.
One word of warning - when you choose to discuss the affair, you risk a regression in your relationship. I'm not discouraging it, but it's important to understand what I've already told you about which questions to ask. When you discuss a sensitive topic such as this one, all the old emotions can come back to the surface. It will not be an easy discussion, but in fact in the end you can come out the better for it.
This conversation is a chance for you to work through some of the pain, and for your partner to show and prove their transparency and loyalty to you. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that you need to talk about every sordid detail of the adultery before you can move on. This is simply not true. You can get him back after an affair if you both put the energy into healing your relationship.
0 comments:
Post a Comment